Well, I started work yesterday. It was really cool.. I think I lucked out actually have finding a nice spa, with someone who's going to take me on as an apprentice, and not book me back to back with appointments. Aside from a mani/pedi, I'm on reception til the end of the month.
So, the conversation with Nic went well that night. He said its easier to blame someone else for things than to accept responsibility yourself. I can relate to that. On the flip side... I still don't like her. It's probably me being jealous... I don't know. I don't like the way she tries to tell me how my relationship is, or how much she knows him. I've been dating him for almost 5 years now.. I think I would know. Right? So that's a little bit bothersome, but not overly I guess.
I wonder like if anyone is ever 100% happy with the person their with... and if they are how long does it last? I just feel like I'm giving it my all and I don't feel like I'm enough. Maybe because I'm not enough for myself... that automatically makes me think I'm not enough for everyone else. Little things go a long way however.. like telling me I look good when I don't pester you for an answer. Or random sex, that's always good.
I'm gonna try not to think about it much. Anyways, today I had 2 pieces of toast... granted its only 10:23 I don't want to eat much else today. I'm going down again and I don't want to fuck it up this time. It's so much easier just losing, rather than having to lose what you gained from binging and then trying to go down again. I say don't too much.
Jenaly is supposed to be moving at the end of March. I'm going to miss that girl. We told each other everything, and in these days its hard to find someone that will keep your secrets. That lives close to you. Because it's not like i haven't said it before... everyone I ever get close with aside from Nic, always ends up moving, and you always say your going to stay in touch but ya know... it hasn't worked thus far and I'm not confident that it will again.
I miss my promise ring. It fell off cause it got to big for my finger, and it makes me sad. I feel like I have a lot of problems. I miss the summer... when people started complimenting me and important people started noticing me. Well, I wouldn't exactly call Winnipeg club people important but it was kind of cool going to whatever bar I wanted and having people that were excited to see me there. Photographers, midgets... ok.. the midget was scary, but he was... yeah just creepy actually.
Anyways, I'm gonna go shower, study some treatments and clean this shit hole up again.
Thursday, February 10, 2011
Sunday, February 6, 2011
Im ok now.
Im just gonna talk to him and tell him the truth. See what the hell the problem is and move on.
I need to stop being irrational, however, if theres a problem you need to grow some balls and say something. I'm not a mind reader and I cant fix things i dont know are going on. Give me a break. I try and be nothing but a perfect girlfriend all the time.
To be honest with you, I dont want to go to this interview tomorrow, because I dont want to work halfway across the city. But I feel obligated. I've been a ''slacker'' the last 10 months, right? Sure. Slacking is what I've been doing. I actually do a lot around here.. just because it doesn't have a monetary value doesn't make it not important.
I think I need to change. I need to find Marisa again. I need to stop being overprotective. If it's gonna happen, its going to happen. Cant stop destiny. But I do deserve the truth right? Hence why I'll tell him I read it when I shouldnt have, It was however right there. Curiosity killed the cat.
I really like breaking benjamin right now. Had enough. It reminds me of Kendra. I have never actually hated someone so much in my life. '' You had to have it all, but have you had enough. You greedy little bastard you will get what you deserve. When all is said and done I will be the one to leave you in your misery and hate what you've become. '' I miss talking to mike. He doesn't talk to me anymore. Ever since I broke the news that his fling is a tramp. Yet, that seemingly turned out to be my fault because who's the one he doesnt talk to anymore?
I miss the attention of being thin. That's a #1 priority currently. Because I hate what I've become. I feel needy, and gross, and its the worst feeling in the world.
This weekend was slightly stressful. Too many females together do that.
A list of people I miss. Derek, Mike, Jenaly.. me and nic got into a debate one day about how if you wanted to stay in touch with them you would. I disagree, because if you try and try and they don't then its hard to keep in contact. However, did I try enough? No, probably not, and because of it I lost 3 friends. I dont know where Nic gets the idea that I have a huge group of friends. Which is funny because he says I go out like all the time, which I dont. And when I dont go out he gets mad at me. So how do you win? I'm sorry you have no friends because of me ok.. like am I a bad person? Literally just writing everything that comes to mind.
I have no idea how I'm supposed to get to this interview tomorrow. Its all the way down main, I dont have a car and I don't know what bus would take me there. Which brings me to another point. When I start working who gets the car? Nic of course. Why? I dont know. Because apparently its easier for me.
It sounds like all I have to say is negative things. Its not all negative. I do love him more than anyone in this world, and he's the only one who makes me truly happy. Who can make me laugh when I'm upset. He was my best friend before we even dated. He knows all my secrets, seemingly accepts me for my flaws, looks after me when I can't look after myself, buys me things, tells me when I need to change.
Maybe that's why this is so hard.
I'm scared to lose him, because losing him would be to lose a part of myself... the only part I'm sure of that is still there. Without that.. I would be simply... nothing?
I need to stop being irrational, however, if theres a problem you need to grow some balls and say something. I'm not a mind reader and I cant fix things i dont know are going on. Give me a break. I try and be nothing but a perfect girlfriend all the time.
To be honest with you, I dont want to go to this interview tomorrow, because I dont want to work halfway across the city. But I feel obligated. I've been a ''slacker'' the last 10 months, right? Sure. Slacking is what I've been doing. I actually do a lot around here.. just because it doesn't have a monetary value doesn't make it not important.
I think I need to change. I need to find Marisa again. I need to stop being overprotective. If it's gonna happen, its going to happen. Cant stop destiny. But I do deserve the truth right? Hence why I'll tell him I read it when I shouldnt have, It was however right there. Curiosity killed the cat.
I really like breaking benjamin right now. Had enough. It reminds me of Kendra. I have never actually hated someone so much in my life. '' You had to have it all, but have you had enough. You greedy little bastard you will get what you deserve. When all is said and done I will be the one to leave you in your misery and hate what you've become. '' I miss talking to mike. He doesn't talk to me anymore. Ever since I broke the news that his fling is a tramp. Yet, that seemingly turned out to be my fault because who's the one he doesnt talk to anymore?
I miss the attention of being thin. That's a #1 priority currently. Because I hate what I've become. I feel needy, and gross, and its the worst feeling in the world.
This weekend was slightly stressful. Too many females together do that.
A list of people I miss. Derek, Mike, Jenaly.. me and nic got into a debate one day about how if you wanted to stay in touch with them you would. I disagree, because if you try and try and they don't then its hard to keep in contact. However, did I try enough? No, probably not, and because of it I lost 3 friends. I dont know where Nic gets the idea that I have a huge group of friends. Which is funny because he says I go out like all the time, which I dont. And when I dont go out he gets mad at me. So how do you win? I'm sorry you have no friends because of me ok.. like am I a bad person? Literally just writing everything that comes to mind.
I have no idea how I'm supposed to get to this interview tomorrow. Its all the way down main, I dont have a car and I don't know what bus would take me there. Which brings me to another point. When I start working who gets the car? Nic of course. Why? I dont know. Because apparently its easier for me.
It sounds like all I have to say is negative things. Its not all negative. I do love him more than anyone in this world, and he's the only one who makes me truly happy. Who can make me laugh when I'm upset. He was my best friend before we even dated. He knows all my secrets, seemingly accepts me for my flaws, looks after me when I can't look after myself, buys me things, tells me when I need to change.
Maybe that's why this is so hard.
I'm scared to lose him, because losing him would be to lose a part of myself... the only part I'm sure of that is still there. Without that.. I would be simply... nothing?
I DONT FUCKING UNDERSTAND WHAT THE FUCK YOU WANT FROM ME
I go to Sask for a skating competition. I come home, go to talkt o Jenaly on Skype and nics friend comes on. I tell her its me, and see a whole bunch of writing from the day before. Yeah, your damn straight its wrong of me to go look and see what it was, and I DONT KNOW WHY THE FUCK I DID. Because all it said was he's given up everything for me, and now he has no friends and I'm to fucking clingy. Fine.
I have a job interview tomorrow.
Ill get a job, save up a grand and give it to him for having to have put me through school for a year.
Then I can move out, live with my mom, save up more money and move again. I dont fucking need anyone. I feel like I'm going to puke. I literally ate nothing but JUNK this weekend and I feel disgusting. FUCK 115, FUCK 110 and FUCK 105. We're pushing 100, and god dammit I'm bound and determined to not eat right now til I drop at least 10. Fucking try me.
I dont understand. I'm not a bad person. I'm sitting her in a towel soaking wet and crying and I feel pathetic. I feel like ants are giants and I'm so fucking lost in this world. I dont know whats going to happen with working, I feel unstable right now. You cant depend on anybody, and my stupid self always lets my guard down. Why? You only get hurt in the end. Is it really my fault he has no friends now? Did I do that? I'm sorry if I did, it was never my intention. It wasnt. Nobody's forcing you to keep me around. I dont know how I feel right now, other than these tears sting my eyes and I think I'm going to throw up. I cant stand this.
I have a job interview tomorrow.
Ill get a job, save up a grand and give it to him for having to have put me through school for a year.
Then I can move out, live with my mom, save up more money and move again. I dont fucking need anyone. I feel like I'm going to puke. I literally ate nothing but JUNK this weekend and I feel disgusting. FUCK 115, FUCK 110 and FUCK 105. We're pushing 100, and god dammit I'm bound and determined to not eat right now til I drop at least 10. Fucking try me.
I dont understand. I'm not a bad person. I'm sitting her in a towel soaking wet and crying and I feel pathetic. I feel like ants are giants and I'm so fucking lost in this world. I dont know whats going to happen with working, I feel unstable right now. You cant depend on anybody, and my stupid self always lets my guard down. Why? You only get hurt in the end. Is it really my fault he has no friends now? Did I do that? I'm sorry if I did, it was never my intention. It wasnt. Nobody's forcing you to keep me around. I dont know how I feel right now, other than these tears sting my eyes and I think I'm going to throw up. I cant stand this.
Tuesday, February 1, 2011
Feb.1 !
Im excited for February. I decided to go back on the ABC. It has structure and although I fucking hate it sometimes, I love it more. I need a set plan, because without one I just screw up on my own. I got the victorias secret swimsuit catalog the other day, oh theres so much that I want. I miss summer when i was 117 and had determination. I'll get there. Just going to take it one day at a time so I dont scare myself off again.
I'm going to the gym tonight, and tanning so that always makes me feel good.
This is my first day of not being in school. I finished with an average of 90. Im kind of disappointed with that number, but its ok I guess. I'm supposed to have an interview this week at AURA, so we'll see how that goes because I'd really prefer to not have to get a shitty job until I can find one as an esthetician. Second competition in Sask this weekend too.. kinda pumped for that.
Anyways, I need to go shower and do these dishes cause apparently they dont do themselves.
Inspiration for the day : Gaga. She's fucking amazing. Crazy, fucked, and amazing.
I'm going to the gym tonight, and tanning so that always makes me feel good.
This is my first day of not being in school. I finished with an average of 90. Im kind of disappointed with that number, but its ok I guess. I'm supposed to have an interview this week at AURA, so we'll see how that goes because I'd really prefer to not have to get a shitty job until I can find one as an esthetician. Second competition in Sask this weekend too.. kinda pumped for that.
Anyways, I need to go shower and do these dishes cause apparently they dont do themselves.
Inspiration for the day : Gaga. She's fucking amazing. Crazy, fucked, and amazing.
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