Im ok now.

Im just gonna talk to him and tell him the truth. See what the hell the problem is and move on.
I need to stop being irrational, however, if theres a problem you need to grow some balls and say something. I'm not a mind reader and I cant fix things i dont know are going on. Give me a break. I try and be nothing but a perfect girlfriend all the time.

To be honest with you, I dont want to go to this interview tomorrow, because I dont want to work halfway across the city. But I feel obligated. I've been a ''slacker'' the last 10 months, right? Sure. Slacking is what I've been doing. I actually do a lot around here.. just because it doesn't have a monetary value doesn't make it not important.

I think I need to change. I need to find Marisa again. I need to stop being overprotective. If it's gonna happen, its going to happen. Cant stop destiny. But I do deserve the truth right? Hence why I'll tell him I read it when I shouldnt have, It was however right there. Curiosity killed the cat.

I really like breaking benjamin right now. Had enough. It reminds me of Kendra. I have never actually hated someone so much in my life. '' You had to have it all, but have you had enough. You greedy little bastard you will get what you deserve. When all is said and done I will be the one to leave you in your misery and hate what you've become. '' I miss talking to mike. He doesn't talk to me anymore. Ever since I broke the news that his fling is a tramp. Yet, that seemingly turned out to be my fault because who's the one he doesnt talk to anymore?

I miss the attention of being thin. That's a #1 priority currently. Because I hate what I've become. I feel needy, and gross, and its the worst feeling in the world.

This weekend was slightly stressful. Too many females together do that.
A list of people I miss. Derek, Mike, Jenaly.. me and nic got into a debate one day about how if you wanted to stay in touch with them you would. I disagree, because if you try and try and they don't then its hard to keep in contact. However, did I try enough? No, probably not, and because of it I lost 3 friends. I dont know where Nic gets the idea that I have a huge group of friends. Which is funny because he says I go out like all the time, which I dont. And when I dont go out he gets mad at me. So how do you win? I'm sorry you have no friends because of me ok.. like am I a bad person? Literally just writing everything that comes to mind.

I have no idea how I'm supposed to get to this interview tomorrow. Its all the way down main, I dont have a car and I don't know what bus would take me there. Which brings me to another point. When I start working who gets the car? Nic of course. Why? I dont know. Because apparently its easier for me.

It sounds like all I have to say is negative things. Its not all negative. I do love him more than anyone in this world, and he's the only one who makes me truly happy. Who can make me laugh when I'm upset. He was my best friend before we even dated. He knows all my secrets, seemingly accepts me for my flaws, looks after me when I can't look after myself, buys me things, tells me when I need to change.

Maybe that's why this is so hard.
I'm scared to lose him, because losing him would be to lose a part of myself... the only part I'm sure of that is still there. Without that.. I would be simply... nothing?